hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
