i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
