allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
