The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
