Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
