His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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