...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
