Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
