I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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