Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
