Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
