I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
