You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
