Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
