My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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