I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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