I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
