sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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