She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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