Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
