the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
