Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
