Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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