I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
