dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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