In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
