He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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