I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
