I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
