Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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