you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
