She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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