Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
