In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
