just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
