someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
