I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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