You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize