the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Randomize
