Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize