i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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