Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Someone signed my nipple.
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