I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am spending my child support on dildos
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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