Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
