My Higher Power is John Stamos
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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