Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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