hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
