Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
