I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I fill condoms, not promises.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
