I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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