Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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