I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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