He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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