The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
