So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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