Swine flu. Run for my life!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
it glows. i had to have it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
