I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
