I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
