im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
